Coming Out:

In today’s world, having a relative who is transgender is not as uncommon as it once was. Society has become more accepting of diversity, with laws and workplace policies designed to welcome everyone. However, the personal impact of a loved one coming out can still be a deeply challenging and emotional experience, especially for those from cultures or communities that may not embrace LGBTQ+ identities.
For many, including the author of this piece, the path to understanding and accepting a loved one’s transition is fraught with complexities, particularly when one comes from a more traditional, paternalistic society. The author herself grew up in a family with strong cultural norms—where marriage, family activities, and traditions were a cornerstone of life. Her marriage, for more than 10 years, was no different: she supported her husband as he climbed the career ladder, while she stayed at home, raising their toddler. But behind this picture-perfect image of family life, there was an undercurrent of emotional struggle.
Her own career had stalled, leaving her feeling unfulfilled and downcast. As an immigrant with no extended family around, she was constantly juggling the demands of being a wife, mother, and caretaker—often putting the needs of others before her own. She focused on her husband’s success, making sure he didn’t have to worry about anything outside of his career. But in doing so, she overlooked the growing signs that something was changing in their relationship.
Her husband’s coming out wasn’t an overnight revelation—it was a gradual process, with subtle red flags that she failed to notice. Over time, he began coming home from work distant and disengaged, becoming increasingly rude and aggressive. He spent more time chatting online, suggesting she, too, find friends of her own. His behavior left her feeling confused and rejected, but it wasn’t until one day that the truth finally came to light.
The conversation, when it happened, was a devastating revelation. The author was forced to confront the reality that her husband had been grappling with his own gender dysphoria. Though deeply shaken, she tried her best to accept this new reality in an attempt to save the marriage.
For many transgender individuals, coming to terms with their gender identity is a long and difficult journey. The path of self-acceptance can take time as they explore their feelings, seeking ways to understand and manage their inner turmoil. When they finally decide to share their truth, it often feels like a profound release—a green light to begin anew. This is when they may choose to express themselves differently, adopt new clothing, and insist on being referred to with new pronouns. For their loved ones, this can be incredibly painful to witness.
However, the moment a transgender person comes out, they also unknowingly place their loved ones in a form of “closet” as well. It’s an uncomfortable silence, where family and friends are left processing the news in isolation, uncertain how to proceed. In these moments, grief sets in—not just for the loss of the person they once knew, but also for the future they imagined together.
So, how do you take care of your mental health when faced with such overwhelming change? Here are some strategies that can help:
1. Focus on understanding, not labels. Instead of getting caught up in the dichotomy of “male” or “female,” try to understand the broader concept of what it means to be transgender. This can help you detach from rigid definitions and approach the situation with an open mind.
2. Take it slow. Processing such significant news takes time. Don’t rush to have all the answers or make snap decisions. Give yourself permission to grieve and reflect.
3. Avoid making major decisions. Stress can cloud your judgment, so it’s important to delay any big life choices until you’ve had time to process the emotions at hand.
4. Don’t blame yourself. This is never your fault. It’s natural to feel a sense of confusion or guilt, but it’s important to recognize that the transition is about your loved one’s journey, not a reflection of your own actions.
5. Seek professional help. A therapist can offer a safe space to talk through your feelings and guide you as you navigate this difficult time.
6. Write down your thoughts. Journaling can be a cathartic way to process emotions and help you better understand your feelings.
7. Don’t make promises you’re not ready to keep. It’s okay to acknowledge that you need time before committing to any particular stance or course of action.
8. Focus on self-care. In moments of emotional turmoil, it’s essential to prioritize your well-being. Eat well, sleep, and take it one day at a time.
9. Limit conversations with friends and family. While loved ones may want to offer support, their emotional responses can add to the stress of the situation. Protect your mental health by setting boundaries around such discussions for now.
The road to acceptance is not an easy one, and it’s filled with both joy and pain. For those who are supporting a transgender loved one, it’s important to remember that healing takes time. It’s a process of self-discovery for everyone involved. Through patience, empathy, and self-care, it is possible to move forward, even when the path seems uncertain.
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Larisa Rebrova
Outreach Counsellor, BSW RSW
Calgary Immigrant Women’s Association
Victim Support Outreach Program – Chestermere
Synergy – 101-340 Merganser Dr. W, Chestermere
The views expressed are the author’s own and do not represent the Calgary Immigrant Women’s Association (CIWA).